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Thread: Funny .....

  1. #21
    Senior Member RS6405's Avatar
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    Re: Funny .....

    A man goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare – the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
    The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
    One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
    The next day, granddaddy dies.
    One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
    The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.
    The next day, the man is scared for his life – he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn’t eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
    Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. “Good God, Dear,” he proclaims, “I’ve just had the worst day of my entire life!”
    She responds, “You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning.”

  2. #22
    Senior Member Greg's Avatar
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    Re: Funny .....

    HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    _______________________________
    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ____________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ____________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
    WITNESS: July 18th.
    ATTORNEY: What year?
    WITNESS: Every year.
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
    WITNESS: Forty-five years.
    _________________________________
    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget..
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ___________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
    ___________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
    _________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    ____________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death..
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
    _________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral...
    _________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
    ____________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

    ______________________________________
    And last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No..
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
    ------------------

  3. #23
    Senior Member RobotChicken's Avatar
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    Re: Funny .....

    "LMAO Greg! Needed that!!"

  4. #24
    Senior Member raustin0017's Avatar
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    Re: Funny .....

    The Husband Store
    A store that sells new husbands has opened in London , just off Piccadilly, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
    Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

    She is intrigued but continues to the second floor where the sign reads:
    Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

    'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

    So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
    Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

    'Wow!' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
    Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework.

    'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
    Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

    PLEASE NOTE:
    To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.

    The first floor has wives that love sex.

    The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

    The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

  5. #25
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    Re: Funny .....

    3 married Men die and arrive at the bottom of a large hill that leads to Heaven. St Peter is there to greet them. He explains that assistance in climbing the hill is avaliable based on whether or not the men were faithful to their spouse while on earth.

    The first man is asked if he ever cheated. He says that he cheated 5 times but he confessed and his wife forgave him each time. Peter points behind him and says that the man may select a bicycle and peddle up the hill to Heaven. The man selects one and takes off up the hill.

    The second man is asked the same question and answers that he did cheat on his wife once but he was also honest and she forgave him. Peter points to a motorized scooter and says the man may use it to head up the hill. The man grabs the scooter and takes off.

    The third man is asked if he ever cheated and he says the he definilty never cheated. Peter is very impressed and points to a Ferrarri which the man may use to drive up the hill. The man hops in and zooms by both the scooter and bicycle drivers.


    About 3/4 of the way up the hill the man on the bicycle sees the Ferarri stopped and the third man is crying. He stops to see what is wrong. He hops off his bike and says man what is your problem? You got to drive this Ferarri up the hill while I had to peddle this bike the whole way. The man in the Ferrarri turns and says, "I just passed my wife and she was walking"

  6. #26
    Senior Member raustin0017's Avatar
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    Re: Funny .....

    Q: Did you hear about the Jewish Mother cash machine?
    A: When you take out some money, it says to you, what did you do with the last $50 I gave you?"

    Q:What do you call a family reunion in Arkansas?
    An Orgy.

    Q: What's the difference between a crackhead and a tweaker?
    A: The crackhead will steal your shit and bounce, the tweaker will steal your shit and then help you look for it.

    Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
    A: Ate something.

  7. #27
    Senior Member Greg's Avatar
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    Re: Funny .....

    Do you know what they call 69 in China?
    TuCanChoo.

  8. #28
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    Re: Funny .....

    Best joke for getting your ass kicked at a biker bar:

    What is the difference between a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?

    The vacuum cleaner can only hold one dirtbag. uttahere:

  9. #29
    Senior Member Greg's Avatar
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    Re: Funny .....

    HOW TO SIMULATE BEING IN THE NAVY

    1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

    (1a. Submarines - Black outside Pea Green inside)

    2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

    3. Repaint your entire house every month.

    4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

    5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

    6. Once a week, blow air up your chimney, with a leaf blower and let the wind carry the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.

    7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and reassemble them.

    8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

    9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

    10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On

    Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water, so no bathing will be allowed.

    11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

    12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say Sorry, wrong rack."

    13. Make everyone in your family “qualify” to operate each appliance in your house- dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months.

    14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

    15.. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.

    16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500....... In triplicate!

    17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. "Now sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all shit cans and butt kits!"

    18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering the rest.

    19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one-- the same one every night.

    20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting "Now general quarters, general quarters! All hands man your battle stations!"

    21. Make your family's menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

    22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

    23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

    24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread... (Mid-rats)

    25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard, uncoil the garden hose and put out a simulated fire.

    26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout.... "Man overboard, port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

    27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup, "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoe box.

    28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 10 p.m. "Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the ship!" Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house. (For aircraft carrier sailors.)

    29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, "This is a drill, this is a drill! Fire in hangar bay one!"

    30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand in front of the podium for 4-hour intervals. (Best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.)

    31. Next time there's a bad thunderstorm in your area, find the biggest horse you can, put a two-inch mattress on his back, strap yourself to it and turn him loose in a barn for six hours. Then get up and go to work.

    32. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it all day long.

    33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

    34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

    35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans onto the front.

    36. Add 1/3 cup of diesel fuel to the laundry.

    37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.

    38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.

    39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you'll take them to Disney World for liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house

  10. #30
    Senior Member Greg's Avatar
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    Re: Funny .....

    A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
    glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
    He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would
    have it, she took the seat right beside his.
    Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or
    pleasure?"
    She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
    Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "
    He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
    sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
    Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
    business role at this convention?"
    "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from
    my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
    "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
    "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are
    the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
    Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is
    that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish
    descent who are the best.
    I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is
    the Southern Redneck."
    Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.

    "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you ,

    I don't even know your name."

    "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

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