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Sergeant eNYgma
10-29-2013, 10:51 AM
I always get hit with those piss tests at the worst times...anyway head over to get the form and go handle business. They changed the WHOLE thing you used to go in the stall do business and bring the sample out. Now you stand on the SIDE of the toilet, pull out your junk (With them right there), THEN handle business. I asked the guy "You do this all day"? He goes "Yeah shit sucks, I've seen like 90 dudes junk in like two days".

Maybe it was always supposed to be like that but never faced the guy while pissing....

sandsjames
10-29-2013, 10:57 AM
I always get hit with those piss tests at the worst times...anyway head over to get the form and go handle business. They changed the WHOLE thing you used to go in the stall do business and bring the sample out. Now you stand on the SIDE of the toilet, pull out your junk (With them right there), THEN handle business. I asked the guy "You do this all day"? He goes "Yeah shit sucks, I've seen like 90 dudes junk in like two days".

Maybe it was always supposed to be like that but never faced the guy while pissing....

I've always seen it this way...never gone into a stall. Always at the urinal with the guy standing there. He is supposed to see the fluid leave the body. Usually, they stand back a few steps, but sometimes you get a guy who likes to get close up and personal.

Juggs
10-29-2013, 11:27 AM
Yea always a urinal with a dude watching. I've always wanted to go to a crapper sit down drop a steamer and THEN wizz in front of the guy. That would be awesome. I know the guy hates his job, but why not have fun with it?

SomeRandomGuy
10-29-2013, 11:34 AM
One of my troops got called in for a piss test. The person watching was a Lt. After the Lt. explained the process my troop looked him straight in the eyes and said, "You probably won't even remember my name tomorrow?" The Lt. didn't think it was very funny.

Juggs
10-29-2013, 11:36 AM
One of my troops got called in for a piss test. The person watching was a Lt. After the Lt. explained the process my troop looked him straight in the eyes and said, "You probably won't even remember my name tomorrow?" The Lt. didn't think it was very funny.

Your troop sir, is funny and I applaud his humor. The Lt is a douche and will eventually make Lt Col. And ruin a tour for some unlucky folks.

71Fish
10-29-2013, 11:44 AM
Had a supervisor testify on a popped urinalysis. The guy who was busted claimed his urine was tampered with or some such shit. My supervisor had to testify that he personally witnessed the urine leave this guys body and the bottles was sealed. Kind of reminds me of the shower scene in "Porky's".

TSgt"M"
10-29-2013, 11:58 AM
Random Urinalysis=Oxymoron
I always got pick-up when I got back from leave, TDY, released from duty due to PCS, released from duty due to retirement. I never thought there was a thing "random" about it. Luckily I never got pick-up to be the penis watcher.

Kicker47
10-29-2013, 12:07 PM
The last time I got tagged for a piss test, they had set up one of those curved mirrors above and to the right of the urinal. That way, the guy could just stand a few feet behind you and still see everything without getting all up close and personal.

On a side note, as a temp shirt, I once had to schedule NCOs as monitors for the following week's piss-testing. Never seen so many NCOICs crying at once about their guys having to go monitor piss-tests. So many NCOs complaining about having to watch guys pee. Seriously, you probably see more junk in the locker room after PT that you do all day at the piss-testing.

71Fish
10-29-2013, 12:08 PM
Random Urinalysis=Oxymoron
I always got pick-up when I got back from leave, TDY, released from duty due to PCS, released from duty due to retirement. I never thought there was a thing "random" about it. Luckily I never got pick-up to be the penis watcher.

For me, random was every April. When they changed it to more target certain age groups I never got selected again. I don't remember having to test my last five years or so.

I never got picked up to be the pee-pee watcher either. There was once I was going to be picked, but the super thought I did it last time so he didn't pick me. I let my integrity slip didn't correct him.

Absinthe Anecdote
10-29-2013, 12:13 PM
Yea always a urinal with a dude watching. I've always wanted to go to a crapper sit down drop a steamer and THEN wizz in front of the guy. That would be awesome. I know the guy hates his job, but why not have fun with it?

That is demented, but can you believe I have actually heard of a guy do exactly that at Fort Meade, twice!

The first time I was pulling observer duty and the guy did it to the other observer. They both come back into the office and the observer is white as a ghost and obviously upset. He tells the person that is collecting the samples and putting the evidence tape on them about it. They invalidated the sample because the observer refused to watch the guy wipe his ass and lost sight of the sample.

Of course, Mr. Weirdo had to sit in the office drinking water for another three hours until he could go again.

About a year later, I was in the chow hall with a friend and he starts laughing when Mr. Weirdo walks by, turns out he had done the same thing at Vogelweh a couple of years prior.

This guy was strange, one of those clowns that wore the blue sweater in July when it was 90 degrees outside.

He got his clearance pulled for financial irresponsibility; he ran up a huge credit card debt on 1-900 sex chat lines.

Juggs
10-29-2013, 12:18 PM
That is demented, but can you believe I have actually heard of a guy do exactly that at Fort Meade, twice!

The first time I was pulling observer duty and the guy did it to the other observer. They both come back into the office and the observer is white as a ghost and obviously upset. He tells the person that is collecting the samples and putting the evidence tape on them about it. They invalidated the sample because the observer refused to watch the guy wipe his ass and lost sight of the sample.

Of course, Mr. Weirdo had to sit in the office drinking water for another three hours until he could go again.

About a year later, I was in the chow hall with a friend and he starts laughing when Mr. Weirdo walks by, turns out he had done the same thing at Vogelweh a couple of years prior.

This guy was strange, one of those clowns that wore the blue sweater in July when it was 90 degrees outside.

He got his clearance pulled for financial irresponsibility; he ran up a huge credit card debt on 1-900 sex chat lines.

So one guy is a weirdo and the other obviously can't deal with his task. One is nuts the other is a pussy. Now the sweater and sex chat, that DOES make him a weirdo.

BENDER56
10-29-2013, 12:30 PM
Random Urinalysis=Oxymoron
I always got pick-up when I got back from leave, TDY, released from duty due to PCS, released from duty due to retirement. I never thought there was a thing "random" about it. Luckily I never got pick-up to be the penis watcher.

Well, duh. If a number comes up and the member is on leave or TDY, they can't just toss the number and say, "Oh, well. Let's get a new one." No. Whoever's number it is still has to be tested when -- wait for it -- he gets back. That doesn't mean he's been not-randomly targeted.

SomeRandomGuy
10-29-2013, 12:37 PM
Well, duh. If a number comes up and the member is on leave or TDY, they can't just toss the number and say, "Oh, well. Let's get a new one." No. Whoever's number it is still has to be tested when -- wait for it -- he gets back. That doesn't mean he's been not-randomly targeted.

That is what happened to me. My name came up while I was in ALS. Since ALS is considered a TDY status I was not notified until after I finished. On my first duty day back at work I had to go take the piss test. The same thing happens all the time to people who deploy. If you are gone 6 months and you are young you will probably be selected while you are gone.

The weirdest place ever for random UA was Izmir Turkey. When I was stationed there we only had slightly over 100 people at the base. If you were selected for a UA you were asked to bring your own observer (had to be E5 or above). One time a SSgt in my office got selected and he asked our superintendant to be his observer. He was like, "Hey Sir. I need you to come watch me pee"

SomeRandomGuy
10-29-2013, 01:22 PM
This thread reminded me of something else. There was a fraud case about 20 years ago with multiple people involved. Apparantly, someone from Finance had worked with MPF to create pay records for fake people. The personnel office handled creating the billet and orders and the finance person handled direct deposit and entitlements. The scam was working great and had been going on for about 2 years. The only problem was that one of the fake people got selected for a random urinalysis. The notification went to the orderly room and was returned saying that person did not exist. After that things quickly unraveled.

Measure Man
10-29-2013, 01:48 PM
I always get hit with those piss tests at the worst times...anyway head over to get the form and go handle business. They changed the WHOLE thing you used to go in the stall do business and bring the sample out. Now you stand on the SIDE of the toilet, pull out your junk (With them right there), THEN handle business. I asked the guy "You do this all day"? He goes "Yeah shit sucks, I've seen like 90 dudes junk in like two days".

Maybe it was always supposed to be like that but never faced the guy while pissing....

Yes, it was always supposed to be that way.


Yea always a urinal with a dude watching. I've always wanted to go to a crapper sit down drop a steamer and THEN wizz in front of the guy. That would be awesome. I know the guy hates his job, but why not have fun with it?

I knew a guy like that also...his name was Glenn. He claimed he physically could not go #1 without going #2 at the same time...the monitors always found him a joy.

AF Comm Guy
10-29-2013, 02:38 PM
You learn something about people when you're on pecker checker duty. There's the shy bladder guy who can't pee even when his teeth are floating. There's the poop before pee guy. Those are always fun to deal with. You also learn who has good aim/hygiene and who doesn't. Had one dude who just couldn't aim his noodle and sprayed all over the bottle and the toilet. To top things off it stank up the room. Honestly, it would have been better if he had laid a deuce on the floor than what I was smelling. I figure he either had a really bad diet or some kind of bladder infection. The lab guy wasn't too please with how wet the bottle was but at least he managed to fill it and didn't need a repeat performance.

At one of my previous bases I got called for a test but was on leave and way outside the local area. The orderly room called me and asked me to come in so I told her that I'm over 1000 miles away and that I'm exempt while on leave status.The airman didn't seem to understand the concept of distance because she kept insisting that I had to come in. She said she was pretty sure she had the authority to recall me. I told her to call the first sergeant and have him set her straight. After that I just hung up and never heard another word about it.

TSgt"M"
10-29-2013, 03:37 PM
Well, duh. If a number comes up and the member is on leave or TDY, they can't just toss the number and say, "Oh, well. Let's get a new one." No. Whoever's number it is still has to be tested when -- wait for it -- he gets back. That doesn't mean he's been not-randomly targeted.

I do understand for the most part, but, released from duty for retirement, hours from terminal leave, I'm not so sure.

4CECMC
10-29-2013, 05:49 PM
As a former Urinalysis Coordinator, once had a female sailor take her wide mouth bottle into a stall and actually put a steamer into it and brought it back to the collector. Needless to say, she was quickly taken off the ship to the psych unit.....

Vrake
10-29-2013, 07:22 PM
I always get hit with those piss tests at the worst times...anyway head over to get the form and go handle business. They changed the WHOLE thing you used to go in the stall do business and bring the sample out. Now you stand on the SIDE of the toilet, pull out your junk (With them right there), THEN handle business. I asked the guy "You do this all day"? He goes "Yeah shit sucks, I've seen like 90 dudes junk in like two days".

Maybe it was always supposed to be like that but never faced the guy while pissing....

Next time have some fun with it drop your pants and drawers around your ankles like a 3 year old before you go.

Rainmaker
11-01-2013, 10:55 AM
Rainmaker Know whatcha mean. Rainmaker hated giving piss sample. He always got tired of the snarky comments like "Got Damn Rainmaker, why are your balls so big!?" and "Geezus Rainmaker! you grow up by a Powerplant or something"?!?

It really borders on "bullying". I think the AF need to rethink this policy. NomSayin?

Slyoldawg
11-03-2013, 04:01 AM
I was lucky enough to retire from the AF before all that crap started. However, a few years later while flying 747s with UPS, twice the three crewmembers on the flight deck, just prior to engine start for a cross country trip, had to stop all procedures and go to a latrine where a nurse watched us piss in a jar! I don't know if they did that randomly, but I was there until I retired and that was the only two times I had to do that. If they thought I might be crazy enough to fly a 74 across the country under the influence of something they had to have been crazy themselves. Caused a late takeoff both times.

Rainmaker
11-03-2013, 01:52 PM
I was lucky enough to retire from the AF before all that crap started. However, a few years later while flying 747s with UPS, twice the three crewmembers on the flight deck, just prior to engine start for a cross country trip, had to stop all procedures and go to a latrine where a nurse watched us piss in a jar! I don't know if they did that randomly, but I was there until I retired and that was the only two times I had to do that. If they thought I might be crazy enough to fly a 74 across the country under the influence of something they had to have been crazy themselves. Caused a late takeoff both times.

Actually not a bad idea. I think big blue would get more support for the program if they let the observers be of the opposite sex.

FLAPS, USAF (ret)
11-03-2013, 02:05 PM
I haven't once been asked to pee in a bottle since I retired. It's the weirdest thing, but apparently my life now belongs to me. Go figure.

sandsjames
11-03-2013, 02:10 PM
I haven't once been asked to pee in a bottle since I retired. It's the weirdest thing, but apparently my life now belongs to me. Go figure.

I also haven't been asked. I do it on occasion just for the fun of it, but I'm the only one looking at myself.

Chief_KO
11-04-2013, 12:04 PM
My first job offer I accepted after retiring (consumer finance) required a drug screening. Unlike AF, no one was watching Mr Winky as I provided my sample. "Here's your cup, there's the restroom, place the sample on the table"

Stalwart
11-04-2013, 12:19 PM
My first job offer I accepted after retiring (consumer finance) required a drug screening. Unlike AF, no one was watching Mr Winky as I provided my sample. "Here's your cup, there's the restroom, place the sample on the table"

The difference I think is that if you test positive in the military the test will be evidence in an administrative or judicial proceeding and the observer is actually maintain the 'chain of custody'.

In the civilian word if you test positive they just fire you.

AFcynic
11-04-2013, 03:03 PM
Always eat asparagus at night. You never know when you're going to get popped, so have some fun with it. Sometimes, it's the little things in life that will get you through the day.

sandsjames
11-04-2013, 03:45 PM
Always eat asparagus at night. You never know when you're going to get popped, so have some fun with it. Sometimes, it's the little things in life that will get you through the day.

Yeah, that'll work :eyeroll

Truth is, unless you are smoking on a regular basis you probably aren't going to pop positive, unless it happens to be the day after you smoke it when you get tested. THC can stay in your system for a few weeks, but it does have to build up. If you are one who chooses to take the chance, you are pretty safe if, say you're on 30 days leave, you do your thing for the first week, then stop. Or once a week or something. Either way, I wouldn't recommend trying it even if you think you'll be safe.

jpeters
11-04-2013, 07:08 PM
Always eat asparagus at night. You never know when you're going to get popped, so have some fun with it. Sometimes, it's the little things in life that will get you through the day.

I got picked to be one of the observers when they did a squadron test. There was another guy there from OSS that was obviously very uncomfortable being picked to be an observer. I use to be a member of the squadron that was picked, but cross trained so I was in another squadron. Anyway, a guy I knew pointed out to me and just about everyone around him how uncomfortable the other observer looked. He said “I’m going to get him with the big boy pee!” I didn’t know what that meant until I walked in the next person in line and saw that his pants and underwear were down to his ankles and he had his t-shirt pulled up and tucked under his chin. After the shirt came in to see why we were laughing so hard, he made an announcement that this was a serious matter and the “child’s play” needed to be left outside.