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RS6405
06-09-2013, 12:53 AM
From one of my friends on Facebook

"Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down as I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets or my purse. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the Ignition…..My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them…….. His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion..... His theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered, I always call him "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen" ….There was a period of silence........I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice..... He barked, "I dropped you off!" Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me"…. he retorted, "I was on my way, but I'll be delayed"…"Why is that?" I asked"…. “Because I was pulled over by the police and now have to convince them that I didn't steal your car”.

RobotChicken
06-09-2013, 01:05 AM
:biglaugh::highly_amused::applause::drive::banghea d::unsure::wtf::oops::yourock:

RobotChicken
06-09-2013, 01:19 AM
I Feel the 'Wrath of 'RS' coming our way'.............

Greg
06-09-2013, 01:50 AM
Ha-ha-ha. Make up sex, or he's on the couch?

RS6405
06-09-2013, 01:59 AM
3031
................ Who me ? :newangel:

RobotChicken
06-09-2013, 03:09 AM
"GO!GO!GO! GOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo 'RS'! COOKIE MONSTER takes No Prisoners!" :lock1:banana:

RS6405
06-09-2013, 03:07 PM
Actually... I wanted a funny thread since our previous ones were deleted.

Who can add to this????

FLAPS, USAF (ret)
06-09-2013, 03:15 PM
From one of my friends on Facebook

"Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down as I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets or my purse. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the Ignition…..My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them…….. His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion..... His theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered, I always call him "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen" ….There was a period of silence........I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice..... He barked, "I dropped you off!" Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me"…. he retorted, "I was on my way, but I'll be delayed"…"Why is that?" I asked"…. “Because I was pulled over by the police and now have to convince them that I didn't steal your car”.

Wow. The cops were quick to find your car or you made that part up. Funny either way!

RS6405
06-09-2013, 04:16 PM
Wow. The cops were quick to find your car or you made that part up. Funny either way!

Well, it's prob a story that's been around and she made it seem like it was hers. It made me laugh, so who cares.

RS6405
06-09-2013, 04:19 PM
3032

Another funny, in honor of our local retirees :becky

sandsjames
06-09-2013, 04:19 PM
Wow. The cops were quick to find your car or you made that part up. Funny either way!

Did you not see that this wasn't her? It was a friend on facebook. And OF COURSE it's true. It has to be. It's on the internet. Bon Jour!

Absinthe Anecdote
06-09-2013, 04:39 PM
From one of my friends on Facebook

"Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down as I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets or my purse. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the Ignition…..My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them…….. His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion..... His theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered, I always call him "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen" ….There was a period of silence........I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice..... He barked, "I dropped you off!" Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me"…. he retorted, "I was on my way, but I'll be delayed"…"Why is that?" I asked"…. “Because I was pulled over by the police and now have to convince them that I didn't steal your car”.

My girlfriend called me and said she had a flat tire and wanted to know if I could help. “Sure, sit tight, I’ll be there in 15 minutes.” As I pulled up behind her car I noticed that all four tires were inflated and I walked over to the passenger side of the car and got in.

“Your tires look fine and they all have air in them, what’s wrong?” She explained that all of a sudden the car started shaking and making a rumbling noise so she pulled over and called me.

“Honey,” I said, “Do you see those little trenches cut into the asphalt on the shoulder of the highway?” “They are called rumble strips and they are there to let you know that you are drifting off the road.”

I gave her a kiss and told her she owed me dinner.

FLAPS, USAF (ret)
06-09-2013, 10:07 PM
http://www.fun2video.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/seat-belt-funny-joke-picture.jpg

Welcome back, TAK.

RS6405
06-10-2013, 12:58 AM
A little old lady went into The Bank of America one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted on speaking with the president of the bank. Because she was a little old lady and it was such a lot of money. They were finally able to get her in to the president’s office.

He asked her how much she would like to deposit. She said she had $165,000 and then she dumped the money out onto his desk. The president, surprised, was curious to know how she came by so much cash.

“I make bets.” she replied.

The president asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?”

“Well,” said the little old lady, “for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”

“Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet, you can never win with that kind of bet!”

The old lady quickly responded, “So, would you like to take my bet?”

“Sure”, said the president…

“I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls aren’t square”

The little old lady said, “Okay, but since there’s a lot of money involved, is it okay with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am to witness?”

“Absolutely!” said the president.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet, and spent a long time in front of the mirror checking his balls; turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure there was no way his balls were square.

Next morning, at 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet.

The president agreed to the bet again, and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could see. The president did so. The old lady looked closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

“Well… okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.” Then he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

“What’s wrong with your lawyer?” he asked.

The little old lady replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10 am today I’d have the Bank of America’s President’s balls in my hands.”

Greg
06-10-2013, 12:30 PM
Last night my wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

Dickie
06-10-2013, 03:36 PM
That. Was. Awesome.

RobotChicken
06-11-2013, 12:17 AM
Last night my wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

"Reminds me of that 'old joke';" "Hey honey, if I give you a million $$, can we have sex after dinner?" "Hell yea!" she says...."Well I'm a little short on cash, 20 bucks okay?" "Now what kind of woman do you think I AM?" Well I already established that; now we are just dickering over the price!" LOL!

TJMAC77SP
06-11-2013, 12:11 PM
http://www.fun2video.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/seat-belt-funny-joke-picture.jpg

Bruwin must have loved this.

RobotChicken
06-22-2013, 07:27 AM
"That is a secret Naval Welfare program to leave 'no fish behind!!" (OPPS' meant Warfare)

RS6405
07-03-2013, 01:32 PM
True ....

Monday night I was at a bar talking to a friend of mine who is a realtor who also handles house rentals. I ask who was one of his worse situations he had to deal with involving renters, and his response was a 75 year old retired military man.

Apparently the man was renting while he waited for his permanent house to be built. When his lease was about up, the man wanted to stay for 6 more weeks but only pay for two weeks, which my friend refused. He could extend his stay, but have to pay for it. Apparently it was a heated discussion, words were exchanged, and nothing was settled about extending the stay.

So at the end of the rental term my friend went to the house and found that the renter vacated it on time. When my friend tried to open the front door, the key and door knob would turn, but the door would not budge. So my friend had to slip into the house by the garage door. Apparently this 75 year old retiree sealed the front door and all other doors in the house with foam sealant.

All I did was laugh, which seemed to bother my friend. I pointed out 75 years old or not, never underestimate someone who served.

RS6405
07-03-2013, 11:38 PM
A man goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare – the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.
The next day, the man is scared for his life – he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn’t eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. “Good God, Dear,” he proclaims, “I’ve just had the worst day of my entire life!”
She responds, “You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning.”

Greg
07-04-2013, 12:51 AM
HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
------------------

RobotChicken
07-04-2013, 01:09 AM
"LMAO Greg! Needed that!!"

raustin0017
07-10-2013, 02:17 PM
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in London , just off Piccadilly, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

She is intrigued but continues to the second floor where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

'Wow!' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

SomeRandomGuy
07-10-2013, 02:41 PM
3 married Men die and arrive at the bottom of a large hill that leads to Heaven. St Peter is there to greet them. He explains that assistance in climbing the hill is avaliable based on whether or not the men were faithful to their spouse while on earth.

The first man is asked if he ever cheated. He says that he cheated 5 times but he confessed and his wife forgave him each time. Peter points behind him and says that the man may select a bicycle and peddle up the hill to Heaven. The man selects one and takes off up the hill.

The second man is asked the same question and answers that he did cheat on his wife once but he was also honest and she forgave him. Peter points to a motorized scooter and says the man may use it to head up the hill. The man grabs the scooter and takes off.

The third man is asked if he ever cheated and he says the he definilty never cheated. Peter is very impressed and points to a Ferrarri which the man may use to drive up the hill. The man hops in and zooms by both the scooter and bicycle drivers.


About 3/4 of the way up the hill the man on the bicycle sees the Ferarri stopped and the third man is crying. He stops to see what is wrong. He hops off his bike and says man what is your problem? You got to drive this Ferarri up the hill while I had to peddle this bike the whole way. The man in the Ferrarri turns and says, "I just passed my wife and she was walking"

raustin0017
07-10-2013, 03:14 PM
Q: Did you hear about the Jewish Mother cash machine?
A: When you take out some money, it says to you, what did you do with the last $50 I gave you?"

Q:What do you call a family reunion in Arkansas?
An Orgy.

Q: What's the difference between a crackhead and a tweaker?
A: The crackhead will steal your shit and bounce, the tweaker will steal your shit and then help you look for it.

Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A: Ate something.

Greg
07-10-2013, 03:49 PM
Do you know what they call 69 in China?
TuCanChoo.

SomeRandomGuy
07-10-2013, 04:09 PM
Best joke for getting your ass kicked at a biker bar:

What is the difference between a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?

The vacuum cleaner can only hold one dirtbag. :outtahere:

Greg
07-10-2013, 04:19 PM
HOW TO SIMULATE BEING IN THE NAVY

1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

(1a. Submarines - Black outside Pea Green inside)

2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

3. Repaint your entire house every month.

4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

6. Once a week, blow air up your chimney, with a leaf blower and let the wind carry the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.

7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and reassemble them.

8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On

Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water, so no bathing will be allowed.

11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say Sorry, wrong rack."

13. Make everyone in your family “qualify” to operate each appliance in your house- dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months.

14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

15.. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.

16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500....... In triplicate!

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. "Now sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all shit cans and butt kits!"

18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering the rest.

19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one-- the same one every night.

20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting "Now general quarters, general quarters! All hands man your battle stations!"

21. Make your family's menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread... (Mid-rats)

25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard, uncoil the garden hose and put out a simulated fire.

26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout.... "Man overboard, port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup, "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoe box.

28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 10 p.m. "Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the ship!" Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house. (For aircraft carrier sailors.)

29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, "This is a drill, this is a drill! Fire in hangar bay one!"

30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand in front of the podium for 4-hour intervals. (Best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.)

31. Next time there's a bad thunderstorm in your area, find the biggest horse you can, put a two-inch mattress on his back, strap yourself to it and turn him loose in a barn for six hours. Then get up and go to work.

32. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it all day long.

33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans onto the front.

36. Add 1/3 cup of diesel fuel to the laundry.

37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.

38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.

39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you'll take them to Disney World for liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house

Greg
07-17-2013, 02:41 AM
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would
have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or
pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from
my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are
the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is
that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish
descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is
the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you ,

I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

TREYSLEDGE
07-17-2013, 07:43 AM
Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone. What's that? You say there's no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn't think so either.

Class5Kayaker
07-17-2013, 08:41 PM
Someone posted one of the "and then the fight started" jokes. Here's a slew of them.


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started....

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

********************************** *******

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect".

And then ------ well, you know.........

Class5Kayaker
07-17-2013, 08:43 PM
Read the customer reviews for the "Three Wolf Moon" T-Shirt on Amazon. They still crack me up to this day!

http://www.amazon.com/Mountain-Mens-Three-Short-Sleeve/dp/B002HJ377A

Sort the reviews by "Most Helpful" to see the funniest ones.

Class5Kayaker
07-17-2013, 08:49 PM
Best Divorce Letter Ever


Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.

The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again.

But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.

In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things.
I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore.

I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you.
They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit.
Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me.
It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Gosh, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is.

So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the remote is?

Love,

Dave

Class5Kayaker
07-17-2013, 08:58 PM
I actually posted this outside my cubicle when I was an Lt and the First Sgt asked me to take it down after a couple days. So of course I had to ask him, "Why, did it hurt someone's feelings when they saw it?"

We both laughed and then I went ahead and took it down.

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_UKzHApuyuD4/TTzWi6OmpeI/AAAAAAAABPc/RosiP8GB4as/s640/hurt-feelings-report1.gif

Greg
07-19-2013, 02:56 AM
http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=30018

ChiefB
07-29-2013, 11:18 AM
HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
------------------
Greg... this has to be the funniest post I've read on these forums. Thanks for an early morning smile over a spilled coffee...:biggrin

RobotChicken
07-29-2013, 11:37 AM
Greg... this has to be the funniest post I've read on these forums. Thanks for an early morning smile over a spilled coffee...:biggrin

"Glad to read here your feeling better! After all; laughter IS the Best medicine!!" 'RC'.

imported_chipotleboy
07-31-2013, 01:03 PM
Saw this one floating around on Facebook:

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

Greg
08-11-2013, 02:13 PM
Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a catapult shot from the aircraft carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career, he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day, the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy-type, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview, the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you're missing your starboard ear, and I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact, and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well, yes, Sir. You seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out, as well.

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, Sir. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed, and thought to himself, 'What an incredibly tactful Marine'. "And how would you know that?", the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, Sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one f ***** ' ear!"

Greg
08-24-2013, 01:58 PM
Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether he jumped or was pushed.

Greg
09-22-2013, 03:42 PM
Being that it's a NFL Sunday:

http://devour.com/video/how-to-open-a-beer/